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Friday, October 26, 2007

unselfish love

It seems it takes rubbing up closely against other people to find out who I really am and the unique strengths and weeknesses You've given me and my life experiences have given me. I'm learning who I am in contrast to who other people are and I'm trying to learn to love other people for who they are instead of being bothered by all of the ways they're not like me.

Unselfish, true love is I think what you're trying to teach me about, and experience these days. I want to love Jodi the way you love her and I'm amazed at how beautiful the love is that you've given us. I want to love the other interns the way you love them, and I'm amazed at the selfishness I see in them and in me. I keep seeing all of their flaws and inconsistencies and wanting to point them out. Is it because I'm insecure and want to assure myself that I'm somehow better than them? That's not anything like the humble love I'm supposed to have because You're living in me. I sometimes experience that love, but much more often, I experience me wanting to get something out of my relationship with everyone else. It's pretty encouraging though to see that You're addressing this in me and You're not content to let me keep thinking I'm alright. I want to learn to love, at any cost... But it scares me.

As we were driving to PA last weekend, Jodi and I were talking and I told her about how I realized that I somehow hope that as I get my issues figured out and I learn how to relate to people correctly, somehow everything will be cool and I won't have to be bothered by other peoples' junk. And You've showed me that that's very flawed thinking and it's full of selfishness and wanting everything to be okay for me no matter what it's like for everyone else. Even if I get to the point of relating to everyone in complete love, if anything, that's going to make the burdens of others even harder for me. Help me, God, to let go of my vain hopes of not having to deal with other peoples' junk. You dealt in the worst way with all of our junk. You let people beat you, spit on you, falsely accuse you, ruin your reputation, waste you time, twist your words, betray you. And you said that if they did it to you, they'll do it to me, if I'm following you. Teach me Your humility in my relationships.

the beginning

I've decided to start a blog. We'll see if I actually end up enjoying it and continuing it. I journal every now and then and I've been encouraged to journal more as God is doing a heck of a lot in my life these days. But I hate writing - the physical act of writing. I'm slow, I write really sloppily, and it hurts my shoulder and hand. But I don't mind typing at all. I also don't like that I can't easily search back through my journal for stuff that I know I wrote about. Thus, I've decided to start a private blog as my journal. And I'd like to also publish publicly some of the things I write in there. If I end up getting an audience on here, maybe some of you will benefit from hearing about what the Lord is teaching me. It probably won't all be like a journal, though. Who knows what I might decide to put on here.